Building a New Foundation After an Affair

After an affair, it might seem as if the entire basis for your relationship has been destroyed. Finding out about the affair makes it seem as if all of your vows and commitments have been for naught. Feeling as if it will be impossible to forgive your partner is very common.
However, there is still something there, something worth fighting for.  You still want to keep your marriage together. No matter if you have to do this by yourself, or you are in agreement with your partner, you can learn to move foward towards a better, happier, healthier relationship.

Feelings run strong after an affair.

 

Choose One:

 

Putting things back the way they were is not the right thing to do.  Something was already broken in the relationship, or it is likely that the affair would have never taken place. You don’t want that again; you want a happier, stronger relationship. To achieve that, it is very important that you move forward, not back. If you focus only on moving back to “what was”, you’ll only be setting yourself up to see the same thing happen again. What you have to do, is to build a completely new foundation for a lasting marriage.

This is similar to rebuilding a home after a natural disaster.

There are times the old home is just not repairable because of the devastation.  When this happens, it’s best to start over and rebuild from the bottom of the foundation, so the new house will be rock-solid. This may not be the easiest way, but in the end your relationship will be stronger and even better than the old relationship ever was. Just after an affair, though, it will be hard to see this path clearly. All you might be able to see in the beginning are the poisonous images and ultra-negative thoughts flying around in your head. However, if you have the right set of tools, you will be able to begin building your new foundation.

There are things you must answer after an affair, before even thinking about rebuilding the foundation of a better relationship.   (Note:  Both of you must do this.)

 

1.)  What, in your old relationship, were the things that caused conflict?  Some people call them “Hot Spots” some people call them “Push Buttons”, whatever you’d like to think of them as.  What things were almost guaranteed to set you and/or you spouse off?  What caused disagreements over and over? Write these things down.  Do not leave any of them out for fear of starting a fight.
2.)  Now, what are the needs of your old relationship that were not being met?  You will have to be specific here.   Using the list you made from #1 above will help you with #2.   Write down what you need from your spouse, what you feel was lacking in the old relationship.  Share these with your spouse. (Yes, this also means your spouse will be sharing their list with you!)

Now begin focusing on how you both will work to meet the other’s needs.

 

It may sound easy, but you might find it to be a bit uncomfortable.  No matter if it is, it is essential to the rebuilding of your relationships foundation. Couples who have stuck to this, and been successful at it will tell you that this is a “must-step”, after an affair.

For more on what steps to follow after an affair, CLICK HERE!

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  • Rebuild the honesty…
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How Can I Forgive My Husband for Cheating?

How Can I Forgive My Husband for Cheating?

 

Women have been asking themselves this forever. It’s only recently that divorce has really ever been an actual option for women, whether their husbands cheated or not. I know that it’s hard to believe in silver linings right now, but the amazing truth is that marriages survive a cheating spouse all the time.
Survive the Affair

 

When you look at how many relationships have cheating partners, the numbers are so staggering. Over 40 percent of marriages have one or both spouses admitting to cheating (physical or emotional).  What might be shocking to you though is that, for possibly the first time ever, men and women are cheating in close to equal numbers. 57 percent of men admit to cheating in any relationship they have had and fifty-four percent of women admit to an affair.

 

And While the stats aren’t super-great, over 30 percent of marriages survive (and thrive) after the cheating has been discovered.  When you consider that half of all marriages result in divorce, those numbers are a little more encouraging. So, how does this help you to find forgiveness for the man who broke your vows?

First:  Give Yourself Ample Time to Process the Damage

This isn’t a simple admission like drinking milk straight out of the jug or failing to take the trashcan out to the road on garbage day. This is a huge thing. You have to give yourself the time, and space that you need, to be able understand and deal with what has happened. You need to figure out how you feel about what’s happened, and what YOU want to do now.

 

Please don’t let yourself to be bullied, pushed, cajoled, or forced into any situation you’re not emotionally ready to get into. This would be too much and might put you into meltdown mode where you withdraw from everyone and everything. That’s not good for you or your relationship.

 

Know This:  It’s Good to be Selfish for a Little While

While it’s not okay to allow him to keep trying to win you over if you know you’re going to leave, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dragging it out and making him work a little bit.  It’s good to watch him pay some sort of penance, but it won’t make up for the pain. It certainly can’t take the pain away. But admittedly there is some sort of sadistic pleasure you can derive from it, and frankly the Universe owes you a payback or two in return for a blow such as this.

 

Now:  Give Yourself Permission to Forgive Yourself First

Traditionally, women have been made to take the blame when their men cheat. Even in our so-called enlightened world of today, other women and countless political-types try and reinforce the idea that it’s the woman that’s at fault when men have affairs. Stop drowning in guilt and blame over actions and decisions that weren’t your own. You can’t answer for his actions any more than he can answer for yours. He is the one that had the affair, but once you allow yourself to forgive yourself for his cheating, you’ll find that it’s that much easier to forgive him for his cheating.

 

The path to allowing yourself to forgive after an affair is one of the most painful paths you may ever have to walk. When you follow these suggestions, you’ll find that it’s a bit easier to find your way down this path (though still not easy) than you might have ever believed possible otherwise.

Find Out How

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After an Affair, Admit What You’ve Done.

After an affair, your relationship will be very hard to repair. As the most important thing in any relationship is the bond of trust, and with your affair; you have broken this bond. However, the great news is that many relationships do survive an affair.  It is very possible to rebuild your relationship after an affair. Of course you will have to do a lot of work to make things right, and none of it will be easy.

What are the first steps to take after an affair?

(For imediate help in knowing what to do next ==>CLICK HERE<== )

First, you have to completely commit to never cheating on your partner again.  If you are even considering another affair, then none of this will work for you. However, if you can make that commitment, and also commit to doing everything required to rebuild your relationship, no matter how hard or uncomfortable, then these steps will get you where you want to go.

The very first thing you must do is to admit your affair.  As was said before, relationships are built on trust, so it is impossible to build the foundation of a newly rebuilt relationship on lies and mistruths.  Even just not telling them is a form of a lie: the lie of omission.  This won’t be an easy thing to do.  If they don’t already know then you will be hurting them, but they have to know.  It’s better to get everything out in the open, because these things have a way of making themselves known, and it will always happen at the worst possible time.  If that happens, then you will have to face a whole new set of problems because you didn’t “come clean” at the beginning.

Next, you need admit that you are 100% at fault.  You did it, not them, no matter if at the time you could justify your actions, own up to it.  If you try and push some of the blame on to your partner you are just trying to avoid the consequences of your actions.  You’ll be like a little child that gets caught doing something bad who says: “Billy told me to…”  Didn’t work then, won’t work now: won’t get you to where you want to go.

Admit your mistake, accept the consequences, and move on.

Now you need to apologize, and you need to mean it!  We’re talking full admission, and sincere regrets.  They need to know that you are truly sorry for the hurt that you have caused.  Don’t try and explain your actions, just spill your emotional guts and let them know how truly sorry you are.

Now that you’ve done this, you need to give them the time and space to let them digest it all.  They are going to be hurt and angry and upset and a thousand different emotions and thoughts will be flooding their mind.  You can be there for them, but they have to process everything, and there is no way to go any faster than it is going to go.  If you push, you will only be pushing them away.

After an affair, your relationship will be different.

The best way to look at it is that you are starting the relationship over again, building the foundation of a new, better relationship.  You’ll have to work to rebuild your partner’s trust, and after an affair, this can be a process that can take a lot of time.

Fortunately, there are resources available that can help guide you, help you to rebuild the relationship.  It may be hard for you to admit that you need help, but using this system can be the best move that you can make.  After an affair, you need a roadmap that will guide you towards your new, better relationship.

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Why you can’t go back after an affair

After an affair, you may find yourself wishing that you could magically make things the way they were before your partner cheated.

This is the most common mind-set of the injured person after an affair.

Of course, you know that no matter how much you would like to, you can never make things as they were before after an affair.  Nor, really, should you want to.  Even if you missed it at the time, there were things going on in your marriage even before the affair that were setting the stage for the infidelity.  It is a fact that your spouse is at fault for the affair: they are the ones who broke your vows, who took advantage of your trust in them.

But why did it happen?

What changed in your relationship that made them start looking outside the marriage? Deep down you know that if your marriage had been perfect, this wouldn’t have happened.  Why would you want to go back to a time in your marriage when you were being set-up to take this kind of fall? Something in your marriage, just before the affair, gave your cheating spouse (even if only for a short time) justification for their decision to cheat, so be honest:  you don’t want to go back to that place.

So the question is really, how do you want your relationship to be in the future?

Since your marriage will never be the same again, how would you like it to be?  This is almost like the process you go through after a devastating house fire.  Even if you rebuild it as close to what it was as possible, it just won’t be the same.  So when deciding to build the new house, you have the opportunity to make it what you want. You can rebuild your marriage after an affair.  You can be in a place where you are even happier then you were before.  You can love stronger than even before the affair, but to get there, you have to move past the idea of returning it to where it used to be. Once you are able to do this, you can decide to do whatever it takes to build the new relationship: you can begin working towards your new goal.

Here are some things you can do to begin rebuilding your relationship after an affair:

1.)  Find the love. Even after the hurt your partner inflicted on you, you may find that you want to still be married to them because the love is still there.  You are angry, you are disappointed, you are hurt, but you still love them.  This is a good thing, because if the love is gone, there is little hope for rebuilding the relationship.  Nourish that love.

2.)  Renew your commitment.  Now this doesn’t mean any sort of ceremony where you renew your vows, but it does mean having a serious talk with your spouse where you commit to each other that you will do whatever it takes to work through the problems in your relationship.  This is really another “must-do” thing, as it takes the work of both people in to rebuild the relationship.  Each of you have to be “all-in”.

3.)  Complete and constant effort on the part of both parties. This is not going to be an easy thing, nor should you expect it to be.  You will be working through some hard times and tough situations, and a lot of hurt, pain, and resentment will come to the front and have to be dealt with.  Healing a marriage and rebuilding a relationship takes complete and constant effort over the entire course of the rebuilding.  During this time, the effort put in by both parties will help renew the commitment to the relationship.

4.)  Commit to gaining more knowledge. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a manual given out when you first entered the relationship on how you should act after an affair.  We all just put on our rose colored glasses, and told ourselves that it wasn’t going to happen to us.  Without gaining some knowledge on what to do after an affair, at the best the rebuilding of the relationship will take much longer, and be more difficult.  At the worst, it just won’t happen.

So the thing you need to do now is to seek out someone or something to show you the roadmap so you know what steps to take, and what to do.  You can always find a local professional, but there are also resources online that you can have at hand, and study at your own pace.
Something that you can refer to at any time.
In my own case, I found that there is a lot of great information ==>HERE<==, much of it at no charge(such as in the link below).  This helped me begin down the right path, and really helped me to understand the thoughts and feelings I was going through after an affair.  To say it helped a lot is an understatement.

 

FREE Report: Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Download this FREE alternative to marriage counseling report from Marriage Sherpa. Add your name and email below to receive this FREE report and Marriage Sherpa’s FREE course. This program outlines the keys to:
  • Save the marriage yourself…
  • Bring your spouse home…
  • Restore the trust…
  • Rebuild the honesty…
  • How to forgive…
  • Have fun again…
  • How to talk about…
  • Rebuild the intimacy…

First Name
Email

I hope it helps you as much as it did me to recover after an affair.

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Which Road Should You Take After An Affair?

When an affair comes to light, most people wonder what is going to happen to their relationship; they wonder if it means that they should divorce and move on, or if they will be able to save the marriage.  They don’t know which road they should take after an affair.

Get help after an affair.

You have questions that are, at least for now, too big for you to answer well all by yourself. You need to talk to people who have helped people through these problems already.  You need a trained professional, a doctor or a counselor.
.

(Many people have found help in the free reports found ==>HERE<==)

.
Deciding what you will do after an affair means working through the pain of the affair both as an individual, and together as a couple.  Individually, you have to work on yourself to be able to get past the immediate sting of the affair, to get to a place where you can accept that it happened, and start trying to find out how and why it happened, so that you can work on those parts of your relationship.  You must do this part even if you ultimately decide to end your relationship, so that you won’t have the same thing happen in a future relationship.
It is not something you can skip.
As a couple, you have to both be on the same page: you both have to want to save the relationship.  You have to open up to each other to work through the issues of your relationship, and pinpoint the reason(s) for the affair.
This will not be an easy thing.  This will not be a “fun” thing. This is, however, a required thing.  This is not something you can skip.

Steps to take after an affair

1.)  The person who had the affair has to come clean about their affair.  They must be completely honest about what happened, and answer any questions their spouse may have. Again, this won’t be “fun”, but it has to happen to start restoring trust in the relationship.

2.)  List the reasons why the marriage is worth saving. Doing this will put the good parts of the relationship back on page one.  Often times being able to remember the good parts, the fun parts of the relationship will help the wounded party begin to heal, and want to put time and energy into rebuilding the relationship.  You might begin buy talking about why you got married to begin with: what were your thoughts and feelings?
3.)  You both will have several stages to go through to get to the point where you can rebuild the relationship. Depending on your place in the affair, you will be feeling hurt, shame, guilt, anger, and quite a bit more.  You will need to work through this. The timeline is different for everybody, and there will be good days and bad days for each of you.  However, you will come through this as long as you don’t give up.
4.)  As I said before, seek professional counseling. You don’t have enough tools in your toolbox to fix this yourself.  The good news is:  this isn’t the first time this has happened in the world, and you can easily find trained professionals who have helped couples through the ravages of an affair, and helped them to rebuild their relationship.  There is no reason to feel any shame, especially as the hurt partner in all of this.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Seek out and find a professional that has helped many people, and talk to them.  They will help you work through the pain so you can rebuild your relationship, making it stronger than before.
After an affair, recovery takes time and effort. The pain and the anger and the guilt will fade over time, as you make your way through the process.

A better life is waiting on the other side!

FREE Report: Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Download this FREE alternative to marriage counseling report from Marriage Sherpa. Add your name and email below to receive this FREE report and Marriage Sherpa’s FREE course. This program outlines the keys to:
  • Save the marriage yourself…
  • Bring your spouse home…
  • Restore the trust…
  • Rebuild the honesty…
  • How to forgive…
  • Have fun again…
  • How to talk about…
  • Rebuild the intimacy…

First Name
Email
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What can you do when you can’t forgive an affair?

What can you do when you can’t forgive an affair?

Is it possible to rebuild your damaged marriage without forgiveness?

When you have been betrayed by the person you loved and trusted, forgiving and forgetting is bound to be difficult. The person who swore a sacred oath to love you and cherish you, broke every vow they made on your wedding day. Your partner has destroyed the bond of trust. You are left feeling angry, resentful, ashamed and anxious.
You want to get over the affair, and move on towards reconciliation with your spouse. You loved each other deeply and had a good marriage before the  disasterous affair overcame it. You desperately want to get back to the way things were. The problem is that you don’t think you can find it in your heart to truly forgive your spouse for the hurt inflicted on you and the damage they caused to your marriage.

Choose One:

You want to rebuild your marriage, but the pain goes too deep. You want to build a future together, but your trust in your spouse has been destroyed. You are afraid that if you forgive your spouse, he or she might betray you again. The thought of going through the same kind of pain again is almost too much to bear.
You know that you won’t be able to rebuild your marriage unless you forgive your spouse. You long to get back to the way you were, but you can’t see how that can be achieved. The betrayal hurts too much for you to forgive and forget about it.
The first thing you need to do is to recognize that going back to the way you were before the affair is not going to happen. It is an impossible dream.

 

You cannot go back into the past and pretend things never went wrong. Events, both good and bad, have changed you and your spouse. You are not the people you once were. The marriage in your rosy dreams can never be anything more than a treasured memory. But there is a way forward.
You can move forward and make your marriage as good, or even better, than it was. It can’t be exactly the same in every detail, but it can be happier and more successful.
The way forward is to use your past experiences as a foundation and rebuild your marriage.
But what about forgiveness? What if you can’t forgive?
There is a way to move on with rebuilding your marriage without forgiving your spouse. If you take this route forgiveness may follow naturally. This route is the route of acceptance.
Acceptance can be a path to true forgiveness. You can accept what has happened even if you can’t forgive your spouse for the betrayal inflicted upon you.
People tend to assume that forgiveness is something you decide to do and the decision brings it into being. You just say the magic words “I forgive” and all will be well.

That doesn’t work in real life:  the act of forgiving is not like throwing a switch.

What should you do when you can’t forgive an affair?

When you find out you have been cheated on and betrayed by the person you loved more than anything in this world, granting forgiveness will be a hard thing to do, and forgetting:  impossible!  This person who you trusted, who spoke their vows to you, broke every one of the promises they made on your wedding day. You feel alone.  You feel ashamed, angry, anxious and resentful. More than anything, you would like things to be the way they were, the relationship you had before the affair.
Before the affair you loved each other deeply, and had a great marriage.  Now you would like to rebuild what you had, but you don’t think that there is any way that you will ever be able to forgive your spouse. The hurt just goes too deep.  The trust you had before in your spouse is completely gone. You know you should forgive your spouse, but you think that if you do they will betray you yet again, and you just don’t feel as if you can live through that. The very thought of going through this all over again is more than you can take.
You know that if you want to get through this, and rebuild your relationship, you’ll have to learn to forgive your spouse.
First, you need to realize that you will not be able to go back to what you had before. If you try to do this, you will be doomed to failure. You cannot transport yourself back into your past and pretend that nothing happened.  THIS DID HAPPEN.  Something made it happen.  This horrible time you have just been made to go through has made changes to both you and your spouse: changes you have to account for.  For better or for worse, you are not the people you once were.  The marriage you remember, the one you long to return to, must now be just a memory.

A great memory, but still just a memory.

But you CAN move forward: even if you can’t forgive an affair.

You can move towards making your newly rebuilt relationship just as great, or maybe even better than your old one ever was. It won’t be the same, it can’t be.  What it can be is healthy and happy and even stronger then it was before. To get there you have to make use of all of the things you have learned and are now learning to create a better and stronger foundation then you had before.  Using this newly built, strong foundation, you can begin to rebuild your relationship.

But what about the whole:  “Forgiveness thing”?

What do you do if you find that no matter how much you want to rebuild your relationship, you just can’t forgive? You can still rebuild your relationship.  You can still move forward: even if you can’t forgive being betrayed by your spouse. If you follow this path, forgiveness may eventually come to you. This path is called acceptance.  Through acceptance you may find your way to forgiveness. You may be able to accept what happened…after all it did happen.   People who have never been where you are now might think that you can just “decide” to forgive….flick a switch:  “There!  It’s done!”
Doesn’t work that way.
Even if you had been able to say the magic words:  “I forgive you.”  Magic dust doesn’t fall from the sky and the heavenly voices don’t begin to sing.  It just doesn’t happen that way.  Not in real life.
You can make the decision that you are going to forgive, but that is far different then forgiving. Most people who have never actually gone through this, confuse the two. You can decide to accept what happened.  By making this decision, you are opening your heart up to the possibility that you may forgive in the future, but for now you are going to move past what happened.  By coping with what happened, and moving past it, you are once again able to move forward. You will be able to begin the process of beginning to rebuild your relationship.

Moving forward.

This is an important step.  Without this step, there can be no rebuilding. Now this is important:  by deciding to accept what happened, the pain your spouse inflicted on you and your marriage, you are not condoning it, or saying that it was “okay”.  It certainly doesn’t mean that you are going to forget what happened. What you are doing is saying:  “Okay, it happened:  now what?”

Once you have done this, you are ready to learn what to do next. No matter what it feels like, you are not the first to go through this, and there are some fantastic people that can show you what you need to do now.  You just need to see what the next steps are so that you can build that stronger, better relationship.
So that you can be happy again.
You’re not alone, you don’t have to ever feel alone.

CLICK HERE for your next steps.

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After an Affair: What if They Never Apologize?

Survive an Affair FREE course
Click here and learn how to survive an affair (FREE course from Dr. Frank Gunzburg)

Even if your mate has apologized, and begged you to forgive them, you might still be dealing with the damage they’ve already caused yourself and your family. It’s difficult to forgive your cheating spouse, or hold back your forgiveness and not let them be ok with their awful actions? And what is likely to be worse yet? What if they have never apologized?

What about when they’ve not asked for forgiveness?

Choose One:

After you find out about the affair, and your mate behaves almost like it was actually nothing at all. Like you need to just overcome it and get over it. Here is the cheating spouse trying to depict themselves as the injured one. While it is positively your own right to acknowledge their apology, grant their forgiveness, this can’t take place as long as they show absolutely no sorrow. You might come to feel all the more sad and upset at them, seeing that they took your wedding vows so casually. This simply puts up an extra road-block to being able to mend, and perhaps spare the marriage.

Does this ensure the demise of your marriage?

Is that what they want?

Exactly what does “I’m Sorry” mean to you personally?

You might absolutely need to hear those words come out of your spouse’s mouth. It is also possible that you will not have the ability to undertake the healing techniques, be able to proceed, unless you do. Until you hear those words, how would you be certain that your spouse knows the hurt they have created? How do you know that your partner comprehends the massive error in judgment they made? Whatever the apology means to you, you know you have to hear it before you can start to move past the actual extramarital affair, and start to heal.

That being said, what might happen in the event you never got to hear an apology? Exactly how on earth would you feel? Would you be struggling to move ahead? Is there no way that you can get out of neutral, and begin moving towards mending yourself? Your spouse undoubtedly owes an apology, but exactly how much time do you want to wait to hear it? Are you in a position to keep on suffering for that much time?

Do you want to provide your spouse that kind of power: the ability to keep your injuries raw and open? So what if he or she never ever decides by themselves the things they need to do?

Just how long are you prepared to wait?

You need to understand what to do to get started helping yourself. Right now there are actions to take, steps you could take to be able to start feeling better. Simply doing anything at all, rather than nothing will start you on the path to feeling better. You can learn to deal with this challenge; you’ll be able to control your response to your spouse’s failure to apologize.

Never forget: Even if/after they apologize, you’ve still got to choose if you are going to forgive them.
Forgive doesn’t mean forget.

Do you let matters progress, or will you be trapped in neutral?

Learn about what direction to go next.

CLICK HERE for a free report on what to do to heal after an affair

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Recovering After an Affair in a Relationship

All couples go through some troubled times at some point. But sometimes, the troubled times give way to an affair on one person’s part. An affair can be a hard thing for a couple to recover from.
There are ways to avoid the complete destruction of your relationship. The first thing is to make sure that you want to save it. In order to bounce back from an affair, you must both be willing to try to resolve things.  If one partner isn’t willing, or wants to hang onto a grudge, then there will be no way of fixing it, no matter how hard each person tries. It takes two people to save a relationship, but only one person to destroy it.
Take some time away from each other before you start trying to fix anything.  Both people in a relationship need to spend time alone and think the matter through. You’ll need a clear head when you start the recovery process.

FREE Report: Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Download this FREE alternative to marriage counseling report from Marriage Sherpa. Add your name and email below to receive this FREE report and Marriage Sherpa’s FREE course. This program outlines the keys to:
  • Save the marriage yourself…
  • Bring your spouse home…
  • Restore the trust…
  • Rebuild the honesty…
  • How to forgive…
  • Have fun again…
  • How to talk about…
  • Rebuild the intimacy…

First Name
Email
You’ll need to plan to take a long time for this to happen.  Recovering after an affair doesn’t happen in a couple of days. If you go into it thinking that it will, you’re only kidding yourself and setting your relationship recovery up for failure.
When your heads are somewhat clear and you’re both ready, sit down and talk it out. Discuss why the infidelity happened in the first place. Find out what caused it and see if things can change to prevent it from happening again.
Deal only with your partner. Don’t make the mistake of trying to go after the person who they were unfaithful with or bring outsiders into the mix to take sides. Even though it takes two to tango, there’s no reason to drag the other person into it. The problem lies with your partner – and you need to find out what caused them want to have an affair.
Discuss what your feelings are since this has happened. It wasn’t easy on you to find out about the affair your partner was involved in. He or she will need to know exactly what you went through when you found out.
If you feel the relationship is worth it, don’t be afraid to get some professional help. A counselor may be able to help both of you work out your feelings and issues and help you come up with a plan of action on how you can recover. Each situation is different and a professional can identify what could work for the two of you.
If both partners are willing, they can work out the problems and issues the infidelity has caused in the relationship. Recovery will come a little faster for both partners if they’re willing to talk out their feelings and thoughts and work through them together as a team.
CLICK HERE for a free report on what to do to heal after an affair.
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After an Affair…

You just found out about one of the most devastating things.  Your spose had an affair.  It one of the most gut-wrenching, emotionally wrecking things that could happen to a marriage…
Survive the Affair

What to do, after an affair?

Infidelity truly kills everything that was once whole and good.  The trust in your spouse, your sense of peace, your sense of self worth, and the never-ending movies that play in your mind….all are victims.  You may be bottling things up, shoving them into a corner of your mind, so that you can continue to do the day-to-day. Kids, the household…a job…..
Real life.
I know you REALLY want to be able to flick a switch and make it all be okay…..
But this is not one of those things…….(but you already knew that)
You may be thinking of leaving…..or of kicking him out!
And this is a reasonable response….but it won’t help you heal.

So how fresh this is…a day, a week, a month, 3 months?

You might not know how to deal with this, but I’d like to give you a PLAN….it’s broad based, but it breaks down the healing process into small chunks that you CAN DO.  Once you have a plan, you will begin to feel better, because you have a way out of the nightmare.  It’s something to hold onto, something that WILL work.
Here is a 3 phase plan that will help you survive after an affair.  To help you heal.
Phase 1: YOU ARE THE VICTOM OF CHEATING: Dealing With Your PainComes First.
As you may already know,
you can’t even begin to deal with your relationship until you have begun healing yourself.  Until you start this, you won’t be able to take care of anything or anybody. If you want to survive infidelity, you must confront the flood of images and emotions that are sooooo overwhelming right now.  If you don’t create and build a firm base, you won’t be able to build a strong base for your relationship.
You must cope with the pain and problems caused by your spouses affair.  To do this you will have to learn to deal with all of the dark thoughts and painfull emotions, the mental pictures, and the poor self image until you start to feel some sort of peace again. Once you start building a solid base, or at least begin doing this, you will be able to begin doing the same thing outside of yourself. (Phase 2)
Phase 2:   Begin working together to help heal the relationship.
This is as hard or harder then the first step; working on yourself.
In this phase, you need to work on communication…effective communication with your spouse. In the beginning, this will NOT be easy.  There is and will be a LOT of anger.  You may find yourself lashing out at your spouse, and the response from your spouse might be the silent treatment, or a lot of defensiveness.  These first steps in this phase will not be easy, but they ARE part of the process, and must be gone through. This is the hard part, it will take a lot of work to get through this part.  Once you do this, you will find yourself better able to communicate effectively.  This HAS to happen, if you (as the victim) are to feel any sense of trust that your spouse is truly committed to fixing this.
There will be MANY bumps in the road.  It is normal and understandable that the drk thoughts, images, and feelings take over from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that the strong base you are building  is at risk, it’s just a matter of dealing with things when it is so recent, so raw.
Phase 3:  Time to rebuild.
Once you and your spouse have learned to talk again….to COMMUNICATE, when the biggest part of these talks are constructive, and not negative. When the communication is more positive, and not full of accusations and recriminations, then you know that you are on the way to building a new base to your marriage.  It’s here that you will continue to learn to build trust, and work on Transparency in the relationship:  a must if things are to work.  You have to drop all thoughts of: “This is how it’s always been done.”  in your relationship.  You ARE in the process of creating a NEW FIRM base of your NEW relationship. I have to say:  the work of a good marriage NEVER stops, so thisphase is (almost) never-ending.  The phase will move from a stageof rebuilding, to a stage where you are continually solidifying thebase of your relationship.
It helps to have a blueprint…
a list…
a “For Dummy’s” book.
It would have been nice if we would have been given an “Operators Manual” right after walking down the isle….we wouldn’t have thought we’d have needed it….but it would have been nice….lol  Here is a free one, a report that will start you on the right path to be able to save your marriiage after an affair.

FREE Report: Alternative to Marriage Counseling

Download this FREE alternative to marriage counseling report from Marriage Sherpa. Add your name and email below to receive this FREE report and Marriage Sherpa’s FREE course. This program outlines the keys to:
  • Save the marriage yourself…
  • Bring your spouse home…
  • Restore the trust…
  • Rebuild the honesty…
  • How to forgive…
  • Have fun again…
  • How to talk about…
  • Rebuild the intimacy…

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Welcome to After An Affair, a safe place.

This will be a safe place to learn what to do after an affair.  How to heal, how to feel better, how to get through these horrible feelings and images in your mind.

 

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