You just found out about one of the most devastating things. Your spose had an affair. It one of the most gut-wrenching, emotionally wrecking things that could happen to a marriage…
What to do, after an affair?
Infidelity truly kills everything that was once whole and good. The trust in your spouse, your sense of peace, your sense of self worth, and the never-ending movies that play in your mind….all are victims. You may be bottling things up, shoving them into a corner of your mind, so that you can continue to do the day-to-day. Kids, the household…a job…..
I know you REALLY want to be able to flick a switch and make it all be okay…..
But this is not one of those things…….(but you already knew that)
You may be thinking of leaving…..or of kicking him out!
And this is a reasonable response….but it won’t help you heal.
So how fresh this is…a day, a week, a month, 3 months?
You might not know how to deal with this, but I’d like to give you a PLAN….it’s broad based, but it breaks down the healing process into small chunks that you CAN DO. Once you have a plan, you will begin to feel better, because you have a way out of the nightmare. It’s something to hold onto, something that WILL work.
Here is a 3 phase plan that will help you survive after an affair. To help you heal.
Phase 1: YOU ARE THE VICTOM OF CHEATING: Dealing With Your PainComes First.
As you may already know,
you can’t even begin to deal with your relationship until you have begun healing yourself. Until you start this, you won’t be able to take care of anything or anybody. If you want to survive infidelity, you must confront the flood of images and emotions that are sooooo overwhelming right now. If you don’t create and build a firm base, you won’t be able to build a strong base for your relationship.
You must cope with the pain and problems caused by your spouses affair. To do this you will have to learn to deal with all of the dark thoughts and painfull emotions, the mental pictures, and the poor self image until you start to feel some sort of peace again. Once you start building a solid base, or at least begin doing this, you will be able to begin doing the same thing outside of yourself. (Phase 2)
Phase 2: Begin working together to help heal the relationship.
This is as hard or harder then the first step; working on yourself.
In this phase, you need to work on communication…effective communication with your spouse. In the beginning, this will NOT be easy. There is and will be a LOT of anger. You may find yourself lashing out at your spouse, and the response from your spouse might be the silent treatment, or a lot of defensiveness. These first steps in this phase will not be easy, but they ARE part of the process, and must be gone through. This is the hard part, it will take a lot of work to get through this part. Once you do this, you will find yourself better able to communicate effectively. This HAS to happen, if you (as the victim) are to feel any sense of trust that your spouse is truly committed to fixing this.
There will be MANY bumps in the road. It is normal and understandable that the drk thoughts, images, and feelings take over from time to time, but that doesn’t mean that the strong base you are building is at risk, it’s just a matter of dealing with things when it is so recent, so raw.
Phase 3: Time to rebuild.
Once you and your spouse have learned to talk again….to COMMUNICATE, when the biggest part of these talks are constructive, and not negative. When the communication is more positive, and not full of accusations and recriminations, then you know that you are on the way to building a new base to your marriage. It’s here that you will continue to learn to build trust, and work on Transparency in the relationship: a must if things are to work. You have to drop all thoughts of: “This is how it’s always been done.” in your relationship. You ARE in the process of creating a NEW FIRM base of your NEW relationship. I have to say: the work of a good marriage NEVER stops, so thisphase is (almost) never-ending. The phase will move from a stageof rebuilding, to a stage where you are continually solidifying thebase of your relationship.
It helps to have a blueprint…
a “For Dummy’s” book.
It would have been nice if we would have been given an “Operators Manual” right after walking down the isle….we wouldn’t have thought we’d have needed it….but it would have been nice….lol Here is a free one, a report that will start you on the right path to be able to save your marriiage after an affair.
FREE Report: Alternative to Marriage Counseling
Download this FREE alternative to marriage counseling report from Marriage Sherpa. Add your name and email below to receive this FREE report and Marriage Sherpa’s FREE course. This program outlines the keys to:
- Save the marriage yourself…
- Bring your spouse home…
- Restore the trust…
- Rebuild the honesty…
- How to forgive…
- Have fun again…
- How to talk about…
- Rebuild the intimacy…